I held her tightly while she said these last words. I knew I could have been there, I knew she would still be warm, if I had extended my warmth but how would I have known that it meant more than a gram or tweet pic to her? How would I have known that she wanted more? How would I have known that she craved the fairy tales she so much detested.
Slowly but surely, you are going to be my girl. No! The usual response was always much expected, I had long come to terms with the terms of our commitment. I am live with what we shared, I am contented with my role as the spectator and bias judge of what happens with them while I'm unwelcome. It's been months or maybe years, I have loved, liked and imagined - Yes! All a life with her and much hated a life without her.
Quick snap, ever felt unacceptable by any other just because you feel committed to one other? Yes! That is the same feeling that precedes emotional insanity. The thoughts that you should hold on more and let the other realize you are going nowhere - the thoughts that the other is with another just to realize how greatly (s)he is missing out on you. Exactly what I felt for her; days passed, months over months and years slip past us that I forgot it takes twelve months to age. Then it happened, the moment that I least expected but she most awaited - the moment I saw in another, more than I saw in her.
We started to think alike, we started to gist alike - for a moment, we were both alive. On calls at same time, picking on each other's talking points. How amazing, I almost lost my best friend to the claws of uncertainty; that was how I felt but Nah! She felt much worse but concealed it deep inside. The moment I found you girl, she started dying.
I never knew I had so much life to give, I thought all I was worth was my worthless love. Then she started missing my calls, I also reciprocated her unkind gestures - or who are we kidding? We are hooked else where.
Then she texted me eight months later, definitely not what you are thinking. I literally dived for the phone, she asked me what it's been like without her and I made jokes, "Less stressful" I said. Then she "lol" and then she said I have been lost without you, I am happy with mine but happier with you - I miss us, I miss what we would have become, I miss what we never became. Most of all, I miss what we both felt that I made you feel alone.
Confidently startled, I said its okay and the good thing now is that we are way past that and she said "Yeah we are" then she asked if I could come over. Hell yeah! I have missed you girl. It's been so long I forgot we were just a block away, I snatched my comic strip tank top with a PJ pants she got me looking forward to those moments warmer than recent past moments.
Snap! If only you took off the moment she called for you - that was what the other guy inside my head said to me. Then I replied, I am as cold as she is, I just lost the only one who knew what I felt and felt what I knew. I just lost her to the cold claws of death, I just killed a soul that yearned for me. I feel responsible for this, I blame her for this also, but now that she is no more I might just take the blame for two. I could see the life leave her, as her soul said to me "Save me... Save me", I am apt at many things but this I had absolutely no idea how to do.
I loved you and I never thought I could lose you - if thoughts exist over there, hold on to mine because we are definitely going to pick up from where we started in a few weeks time.
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